Purge - prelude

I had been to the doctors and had been given my first prescription for antidepressants. I was totally in denial. I wasn't mental! I was tired! I had two small children and insomnia, I could neither sleep at night nor in the day. Anyone would be tearful and a bit fraught! Hormonal imbalance you say? Just need to remind my body how to produce certain hormones responses? I see, why didn't you just say that? Science I can get behind! 

So I took the tablets, as well as reacquainting myself with certain hormones they allowed me to lie back and believe that all my troubles were on the way out.

On the advice of a friend I started to tackle the things that made me unhappy.

The house being a continual tip made me unhappy. Being a shitty housewife made me unhappy. Being a crappy mum made me unhappy. If I was better at keeping house I would be happier.

I started with making my bed every morning. And so began my recovery through housework....not! 

Somewhere along the road I realised I wasn't getting any better. Sure I was managing better but I was miserable. 

I felt inadequate, I felt shitty, I blamed my depression. It's not my fault, I am ill. I wore it as an excuse. 

And then...a dawning....a realisation! Depression was caused by events wasn't it? The media and everyone I knew said this, it was at the time the accepted truth, something, some event or sequence of events caused this illness! Working my way backwards I figured out there were many contributing factors to my illness and post natal depression was the tipping point! 

Hurray!! Now I can finally figure out whose fault it is that I am miserable, I can see who is to blame. Light at the end of the tunnel. 

Shall we begin? 

1) My parents. Their relationship. The breakdown of that relationship. The loss of my childhood home because of this. The need to grow up fast and take care of my sisters. 

2) My mums boyfriend. How having him move in made me feel.

3) Friends/so called friends past and present.

4) school and my time there

5) unfulfilled ambition

6) the death of my uncle

7) my current relationship with my partner, parents, in laws, siblings, children.

8) living poor and in debt 

9) my perception of other people's perception of me. Particularly old women in the street who looked down at me for being young and having young children. 

10) combinations of the above! 

Wow! No wonder I'm depressed! 

And I thought it was just me! All these people, in fact the majority of the people in my life through out my life had had some contribution to my current situation. Utter selfish bastards! How could they not know that their behaviour affected me so deeply? They must know! And still they continue! Herumph! 

So, obviously I can't change either the past or other people and confronting them all would just cause problems so now I have identified what the causes are I can box them up in my mind, label them 'old issues: still slightly relevant: dealt with: kind of: do not reopen' and with that I drew a line under it all, took my tablets like a good girl and moved on.

Pat on the back. Gold star. How very growed up we are :-) 

Onwards!