It's not fair!

It really really isn't! I am currently in a state of high anxiety, I can't stand still, the tears are there but don't fall, I am electrified, I am angry and scared and quivering and turning to jelly.

What has bought this on? What am I worried about? What has stressed me? Who has upset me?

None of the above! That's why it's not fair. I can't tell you or even give myself a reason. I got up, chatted with Mr me, got ready, arrived at work, started getting ready to open up and BAM! 

I am in full understanding at this very moment of the phrases 'climbing the walls' 'jibbering wreck' 'itchy brain' 'fight or flight' 

And what's worse? The come down, the knowledge that after the adrenaline has done its job I will come down, I will slump, I will be exhausted. The tears will come and I will want nothing more than blissful sleep. 

Instead of running I am typing this, how many words a minute I do not know. I am pacing the floor, wearing a groove, hoping that nobody pops in and speaks to me. One kind word or smile and I will dissolve like a jellyfish left after the tide.

I have spoken to Mr me, my best buddy, my rock. He tells me to prep, help is on the way so I don't have to shut shop and feel the failure and the guilt (my words not his!!) 

The headache is creeping up from my neck, an after effect of muscles tensed for too long that I didn't realise until now were. I am panting like I am giving birth again. The damn tears will still not come but are making it hard to see. Fasterfasterfaster. Stop!! 

I feel sad. Weak. Angry. Annoyed. Run! Stay! I know that this short nasty shock to my system will rob me of some hours. It will put me under the duvet and then in a few I will wake up and even I Will wonder what all the fuss was! 

The sun is out, the sky is blue, it is passing. I'm going to sign off and have a little cry, then hopefully manage to stand up long enough to prep salad for the cavalry when it arrives!