I haven't been 'here'
I got distracted. Initially i was distracted from writing, now it seems I have been so distracted I have wandered off course.
A few days ago, sitting in a gin soaked stupor i cried. Why? Because it was necessary. I had bottled up so many many things and the cork was on too tight. The gin was my way of shaking the bottle, of releasing the cork because I had become so up tight I could see no other way.
The reason I cried at first was because I felt lost. I had looked around and was overwhelmed by where i found myself in life. I was afraid. And then ashamed, guilty that i had wandered so far and allowed myself to neglect myself so dramatically. And then I cried because I was relieved. Very drunk. And relieved. If I knew I was lost I could find my way.
I spent the following day sick and hungover, i wallowed in it. But carried on. Slogged it out. No time to stop. Until today.
Today I allowed myself a rest. To sleep. To feed my mental self.
Tomorrow I start the long walk back to my chosen path. I know what has to be done and I know it has to be me that does it. It will not be easy and my feet are already sore. But the shit kicking boots are here somewhere, now, where are my socks?
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