And we come now to the second serious self reflection period. A real delve into how I operate. I don't go looking for demons, they are past and gone. I look at me and how I run my life. What environmental factors rub against my illness?
Like dust can bring on an asthma attack, flashing lights a fit, what can I identify as the main cause of my flare ups?
I am late. Allll the time! For meetings, outings, everything. Okay. Why am I late? Because I can never find anything so will be searching for bags, shoes, keys, phone! Being late leaves me on the back foot all the while. Most meetings begin with me apologising.
I never manage to do the stuff I have agreed to do. At the meetings it all seems straight forward but something goes wrong along the way and the stuff I said I would do does not get done. Then I feel guilty, I have let people down.
I am useless with money, paying bills, saving. So I am always skint, always poor.
I am forgetful, birthdays, occasions, names!! It is frustrating for me never mind any one else.
The mess. The constant house hold mess. Unable to find anything, always having to move one pile of stuff or another to sit, to get into bed, to eat, in fact to cook! Nothing ever finds its way home! Some things have been homeless since we bought them!
The unfinished projects, DIY, crafts, art, books to be read, sewing, knitting, endless 'useful' items saved and stored just in case or because they might be useful....someday.
And the crux of it all? My chronic disorganisation. There, that's it, that is the time bomb. The irritant, the bane of my existence and the bringer of illness.
And unlike last time, when I was naive and thought identifying what triggered my illness was then just a matter of keeping an eye out for it I decided to get pro active!
How was I going to take back control?
I had wallowed enough, if this was going to be an ongoing issue then I needed to be ongoing too! I needed to figure out a way to live with my mental illness and hopefull work my way to a balanced mental health.
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